Search for the Truth
by JenJethro143
Summary: First Person HarletGusH fic. Harley examines her feelings for both Mallet and Gus, and finds herself torn between the two men.
1. Promises

**Promises**

Being a Spaulding again was something I swore I'd never do. But here I am- trapped in this mess of a family once again. Harley Cooper, prisoner of the Spauldings, so it seems. I wanna get out of here. But how? How, when I'm in love with Gus? At least, I _think_ I'm in love with Gus. No! I've got to stop second-guessing myself. I LOVE GUS! And don't try to tell me otherwise, because it ain't gonna work. I made my choice, and I don't break promises. Harley Cooper does NOT break promises. And that's exactly what this ring on my finger symbolizes. A promise. A promise to love, honor and cherish, till death do us part. A promise I've made three times before Gus. A promise that all my ex-husbands have broken. And that's why I can't; that's why I never will- EVER.


	2. Secrets

**Secrets**

Seeing him still hurts, even though I've forgiven him. Maybe it's because I still have feelings for him. Maybe it's because he's always there for me when no one else is. Maybe it's because he's still desperately in love with me- yeah, that's it. It's hard, you know? I'm married to Gus, but Mallet's just _there_. Always. He looks out for me, makes sure I don't do anything stupid (although I always do).

I need security, and Gus gives me that- most of the time, at least. When he's not dealing with Spaulding business and such. But he'd never be unfaithful. NEVER. He loves me, truly and unconditionally, and that's the only thing that keeps me here. The only thing that keeps me from Mallet. You know what they say- "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't know if it's true, but I really don't wanna take any chances.

I have a life, here, with Gus. I'm not gonna do anything to jeopardize that. I've already come close, and I regret it, I think. No, of course I regret it. There I go again, second-guessing myself. It's just, well, I have two guys who love me, and would do anything for me. One is my husband, Gus, the other, my ex-husband, Mallet, who cheated on me, but is still in love with me. I really need some advice here, but I don't know where to turn. Blake? No- she can't keep a secret to save her life. Cassie? Nope- she's got too much of her own shit to deal with. The only person I can really confide in, and talk to, and absolutely_ know_ that my secret is safe is- no, stop. Don't even go there... Mallet.


	3. Desires

**Desires**

I saw him today, in Company. He looks so lonely all the time- nothing to do, no one to love. I'm scared for him. He seems to be slipping further and further into this deep abyss that's impossible to escape. I want to help him escape. I need to- then I remember. I remember the promise I made, Gus, our life. If only there were some way to reverse it. If only there were some way I could turn back the clock, make a different choice.

"If only." Those words come to my mind a lot lately. Sometimes, it seems like my whole life is one, big "if only." If only I could help Mallet escape- that's my biggest "if only." I try to help him the best I can, but I'm afraid I'll go too far. Afraid that I'll lose control, surrender to my true feelings. Just like I almost did today...

"_Harley." "Hey Mallet. How are you?" He just stares at me for a second, almost as if he doesn't know how he is. "I'm doing alright. How about you?" "Fine. I guess. It's weird, you know. Being back in the thick of all the Spaulding stuff again." "Yeah, I can imagine." Mallet chuckles... I always loved that chuckle. "How are your boys?" "They're doing great. They love having Gus around, you know, to be a sort of father figure. They need that, especially Zach." "Yeah, they do. And I'm sure..." His voice trailed off. "You're sure what?" He bit his bottom lip, which usually indicates nervousness. "I'm sure Gus is great with them." He says quietly, as he begins to leave. "No! Don't go!"_

_Wait. Did I just say that? I have to be careful; my feelings could shine through at any moment. "What?" Mallet turns around slowly, staring into my eyes... God I could just get lost in those blue eyes. "I don't want you to go, that's all. I like being around you." "I like being around you too. But you're acting very strangely, Cooper." I know I'm acting odd, I just... I want him. I want him... I need him... I love A.C. Mallet!_

What happened after that, well, it's hard to explain. We just looked at each other, wondering what the other was thinking. Although, I know already that we were thinking the same thing. But what can I do? My hands are tied... I'm married to Gus. I love Gus. I just have to convince myself that I belong with Gus. "I belong with Gus. I love Gus. My life is with Gus. I love..."

Who do I love? What do I do? For the first time in my life, I'm torn between two men. But even if I love Mallet, I can't be with him. I would be cheating on Gus with the man who cheated on me! And I promised myself, swore to myself, that I'd never be unfaithful. But what if I lose control? What if my body and soul surrender to Mallet? What if my instincts tell me to go to him? No- they can't, I can't. I have to stay faithful. To Gus, and to myself.


	4. Thoughts

** Thoughts**

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I am, what I want, or where I belong. My life is just one big mess- and I don't know how to get out of it. I mean, one second, I'm happy and content, being here, with Gus, The Love Of My Life, then the next... I just don't know. I wish he never came back. I wish there were no such person as A.C. Mallet. I just want him to disappear. But do I really?

I'm beginning to wonder how I got to this place. A place where nothing seems right, nothing seems to be enough. I WANT it to be enough. I just wanna live my life with Gus, and my boys, but I can't as long as Mallet's around. Every time I see him I just- I can't explain it. It's like we're back in our house, in Florida, like nothing's changed. But everything's changed.

I'm with Gus now. I keep saying that... I keep telling myself, and everyone else, that I love him, and I want to be with him. But I'm not even sure that I mean it. It seems to be the most logical choice- the safest, so to speak, because of everything that's gone on between Mallet and I. But throughout it all, even when I was with Phillip, Gus, everyone, I never, EVER fell out of love with Mallet. And that scares me. It scares me to death. And I'm tired of being so damn scared all the time!


	5. Feelings

**Feelings**

_"Hey Harley. How's everything?" "Oh, fine, Mallet. Everything's fine." (I think). "You busy tonight?" Why does he wanna know that? "Um, no, why?" "I was just wondering if maybe, you'd wanna grab a drink or something. If you're not busy, that is. Which you said you weren't. So? Yay or nay?" Say no Harley, say no! "Yeah. I'd love to!" DAMNIT! "Great! Let's say... Outskirts at 7:30?" "Sounds good." "See ya then, Cooper." "Yeah. See ya. Bye." He kisses my cheek... mmm... bliss. "Bye."_

So, we went out for a drink (or two or three) tonight. It was, well, very interesting, you could say. It was also extremely awkward. And I mean Awkward (with a capital 'A'). It brought back some feelings that I didn't especially want. Feelings of love, desire, longing. And then... when we left, when he walked me to my car- he kissed me. A real kiss. And it was AMAZING!

_"Cooper! Over here." There he is, sitting there, waiting. For me. "Hey Mallet. How was the rest of your day?" "Um, boring. Nothing interesting going on in this very fine town today, I guess." He smiles. His smile melts my heart. Oh, God, I feel so..._

_"How was your day Harley?" His voice breaks the spell I was under. "Oh, okay, I guess. Boring homemaker stuff." "You belong out in the world Cooper. You need to work. Your life is..." I know he wants to say 'Your life is with me.' He won't though, but I wish he would. "What? My life is what?" "I just mean that you belong on the Force. You should've never left." Yeah, I know that, but SAY WHAT YOU MEAN! "I know. I just didn't feel safe anymore, you know. With Zach and Jude, and all." "Yeah, I get it."_

_"So, you want a drink?" "Yeah, yeah sure. I'll just have... a beer for now, I guess." "Ha! Me too! Hey bartender! Two beers. One for me, one for this fine lady." 'This fine lady?' My God I love this man. When Mallet turns to me, and smiles, I jump. "What's wrong hon?" "You just scared me... and you have the most beautiful smile..."_

A couple of drinks later (two for me, three for him), we were obviously a little 'impaired.' He walked me out to my car, which I really shouldn't have driven, but that's not the point. Anyway, he walked me to my car, and that's when it happened. We said our goodbyes then he leaned in. I, naturally, thought he was gonna kiss me on the cheek, like before. Boy was I wrong.

Taking my face in his hands, he began moving in closer. I moved to him, in response to the obvious fire burning inside me (well, both of us, really). He pressed his lips against mine, and that was it! I was FINISHED! I pulled him to me, and returned the amazing kiss. It was just... a moment I'll never forget. And I doubt he will either. WOW! It all came flooding back. I want him so badly... I need him. I love him! No, I'm in love with him. But then I remember who I am, what my life is all about. I'll never cheat on Gus. I just can't. But, oh, how I want to.


End file.
